Time for everything!

I know that there is a time for everything,

however it is not easy to accept 

some times!

I am writing in honor and memory of a 

cute little boy named Daria.  

Due to egos and man thinking they know better

a sweet innocent little one is gone.

He will never know what is feels like to receive a hug 

from his family because he never made it that far!

He died in his own home land.

He had a family that wanted him and was

willing to take care of him,

HOWEVER,

they did not get chance! 

My heart breaks for that family.

I am sorry for your pain and your crushed dreams.

I would beg and plead if that would work!

I would ask for compassion and sympathy

I would give all that I had to save the 

innocent ones that deserve 

a kiss, a hug, a love of a family.

Daria I know that you are in your father's hands

you are in no more pain.

You are embraced with a love that will not end

no government, no person, nothing can 

change that now!

I do know that this world was better for having you in it!

Thanks for your lessons, may we learn from them!

Getting close to the end of a chapter!

I have read many books in my life.

I started with picture books and as I grew

the books also grew.

I love to read!

I enjoy and smile with the funny parts.

I cry with the sad parts.

I can see the characters.

I like to see the conflict and the resolution unfold

as I turn the pages.

 I do not like the ending of a good book.

Sometimes I find it sad because I can 

really relate to the characters and the 

journey they are on.

I have found that my life is alot like a book.

I have enjoyed the fun and growing parts.

I have cried and mourned  during the sad ones.

I have also found some times in my life to be challenging!

As the days approach the closing of a chapter

is nearing.

I can feel the beating of my heart.

I can feel the sadness of my thoughts.

I can feel the excitement as my daughter

is getting ready to step out on her own!  

As I reflect on how the years have passed 

I am thrilled, excited, nervous and sad all at the same time.

My daughter is growing up!

She is learning who she is and what she is to do

with the skills and abilities she is given!

She has been a blessing and I am so proud and honored to be her momma.

I am so thrilled to be a momma.  I love my children.

 My wonderful daughters have taught me so much.

The joy of laughter and acting silly.

The affects of not giving up.

 I have had a hard time recently trying to explain why.

My Kersten and Kelsee have had a rough few days.

Since January it has been a hard and bumpy road.

The days are filled with emotions and uncertainty.

The days have been full of waiting and learning.

The days have been full of tears, doubting and longing.

Longing for our family to have an addition.

For the past week the girls have slept in Artem's room.

This makes me sad and a little mad.

I can just see the girls cuddling him and playing with him.

I can see him smiling and laughing as they tickle him.

I see all these things with my minds eye 

then as I gaze around the room I see the 

chalkboard in his room with these words on it

"Artem  we are ready!"  

We are ready, waiting, praying!

This chapter of my book I would like to have a happy ending.

The more I wish for the waiting to end for Artem 

the closer my Kersten gets to  spreading her wings.

Here is the one thing that I do know,

This chapter is ending soon and I know it will have a happy ending!
It will be happy for both of my children!

Dreams, what do they mean?

I have had many dreams.

 I actually  have a re-occurring dream.

A couple of them!

 One of my re-occurring dream I enjoy having.

I had a dream about a place that I have visited.
I could feel the walls.
I could smell  the food.
I could hear the noises.
I could see my boy.
I could see him running around laughing.
I could feel  his hands holding mine.




Next thing I know he is no where to be found.
I remember running around the building looking for him.
I opened door after door and I could not find him.
Next thing I remember is that I was whisper in some ones ear.
There where several of them.
One after another I whispered in their ears.
The cool thing was that the people could not see me!
After I whispered in the last person's ear
I ran down the hall way and
opened the last door and I finally  got him....

I know that I feel like Abraham  and Sarah sometimes.
This waiting period is long, emotionally exhausting and not for the faint of heart.
Then I think about what the kids must be going through!!!
They are confused, worried, wondering if they are the problem.
I wonder if they are finding it hard to face the days.
I wonder if they cry when the think of us.
I wonder if they have dreams about the future.
I know they do!
I want to tell all the kids to hang in there.
Please don't give up!
WE will not give up on you!
We love you and would move heaven and earth to get to you.
If I could I would whisper in your captive's ear,
"Allow the dreams to shape the future"
"Please let me go home to my family!"
I am singing this song with the kids!

Please God bring our children home!!!

What part of the picture do you see?

I used to be very happy when I saw his smiling face.

I would laugh when I would dream about

 what food he would like to eat.

We would wonder if he would like cars, blocks and colors.

I would dream of the day we could take him to the Zoo.

I looked forward to the day that our family

 picture would feature our newest member.

I could see Kersten looking into his brown eyes and kissing his nose.

I could see Kelsee tickling his tummy and messing up his hair.

I would look at his picture several times a day 

and I would be able to  see him with us!

He would have sang and shouted and loved

the lights and music from Winter Jam.

He could have  played with Nick and Kallie.

He could have enjoyed all the love from Aunt Julie

 and Uncle Lonnie.  

Nate could have taught him ho to play the newest

game in his ipad.

Kaylee could have taught him how to properly eat hot chicken!

Eggy could have taught him how to lie to his momma

about a house guest.

Bethany could have just listen to him  

and give him the support he needed.

Ray would have taught him the  fine art of ADD at the Mall.

  

    

Even today when we went prom dress shopping,

I thought of how much fun he would have by helping.

He would   have enjoyed the many different shops

and of course all the toys! 

When I came home I was thinking of him yet once more!   

When I looked down the hall I would 

image him running and yelling our names to come

save him.

SAVE HIM, That is what we are trying to do!

 

 

Since Dec 31st our hearts have been on the edge!

That is putting mildly.   

How do you expect us to feel when our son might not 

be able to come home to the family that loves him!

This sitting on pins and needles have really done a trick on all our hearts and souls!

Kersten is graduating soon and has a great deal

 to think about and plan for.

She came to me with tears in her eyes and

 asked when Artem was coming home?!?!?!

 

What can I tell her?

What?????

I don't know? 

 

In the middle of a hug and sobbing Kelsee

joins in and says I want my brother home.

Me too!! 

Me too I wanted to shout!!   

I have had some good days and I have had some bad days.

There has been less times of smiling and dreaming.

I get caught up in what I can not see.

 I see the big red stop sign and I yell in frustration!

I start to talk to God and asking him to explain all of this!

Lately I have not been a good daughter.

I have focused on the impossible side and said O.K.

That is until I heard this song.  

It is about Abraham and Sarah.

 I have felt like them lately.  I know what I am promised.

Artem is ours!

Now and in the coming days of this year, 

I need to listen and apply this song to my heart!

         
I am so blessed for God to dream his dream in me!

I will believe!

I will be patient with the journey.

I will not let go of what is mine!

I will believe in what I can't see!

 

Reminders and Gifts

I do not know what I have deserved

 these past two weeks

but I am Thankful!

The weekend that included the 8, 9, 10 of Feb.

was full of fun, learning and laughter!

We got the pleasure to have Toby stay with us.

He is one amazing little boy!

He was adopted from the Ukraine 2 years ago.

He has blonde hair, a great sense humor and downs.

We are the lucky people who get to enjoy Toby when his parents 

need some assistance with being in two places at once, haha

I do know that I am so grateful for that allowance.

Toby was a blessing and a reminder.

A reminder of how innocent and trusting a child can be.

A reminder of a love that is not common to this world.

A reminder of how a simple meal can turn into a learning moment.

A reminder that life is short and we should be using our 

strengths and talents to reflect the 

Love 

Joy

Patience

Determination

Forgiving

Nature of my God.

He knew what he was doing when he made these angels.

He knew that we " A typical children" would need a reminder

of the very qualities that make my God just that My father.

He knew that we would need to be reminded to listen 

to love without looking at the outside

to laugh even when we fall

to never give up on our dreams

to smile and focus on the life that we are giving

not to focus on what we do not have or think that we deserve.

I want to Thank God for knowing more than I do and allowing me 

to learn and grow from all the lessons I am part of.

That weekend ended with a surprise shower for the Cole family 

who just brought home their little girls, Bella and Gracie!

I am so blessed to be apart of this very awesome and amazing support

group in the Kearney area.  

So Thank you Kiffany, Beth, Deanna, Jody D, Suzanna, Jera,

Gracie, Bella, Angelica, Toby,  Gracie, Hunter

for allowing me the life changing opportunity to be apart of your group

even while we are waiting for our son!

I have already learned so much from you all!

I want to learn more.

Thank you for all your lessons and taking on this "A typical child"

 

I am in awe of these families and feel so blessed to be apart of them!

I do know that Thank You is not enough so listen to my heart!

 

The next reminder I had was yesterday.

Minden was the lucky town to host the Special Olympics basketball event.

I truly love those days!

To get the chance to see these kiddos play and just love the sport 

is a teachable moment that I enjoy every time I see it!

I was reminded that I am given what I need.

 I am to focus on the prize at the end of the race.

I was reminded of how inspirational it is to 

see determination and courage 

cross the cognitive lines 

that bind people to the lies of 

"Survival of the fittest"!

I was in tears to see all the athletics  doing there best

win or lose 

 all showed sportsmanship!

Thank you to all who supports, helps, and encourages 

these athletics to achieve their dreams!

The self worth, pride and courage is priceless and 

I know that all of them

are thankful for the time you give.

I want you all to know that the investment

 you make will not 

return void!!!!

I am so thankful for the lessons, reminders and the gifts

I receive on a daily basis.

These gifts help me to dream of a time when our son can 

come home and take part in this 

amazing life!

I can take courage 

I can have my faith increased

I can  choose not to give up

I can dare to dream

 I can believe in a happy ending

BECAUSE 

of all the reminders and gifts that I am given

THANK YOU

THANK YOU
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

 

Missing him! Loving him!

I miss his smile.

I miss his cute little nose.

I love his cute little laugh!

I miss his hugs and loves.

I miss the way he holds unto my fingers.

I miss the way he looks at me.

I miss the way he walks across the room.

I miss the way his eyebrows go up when he is curious.

 

Sometimes when I think of him I smile.

Other times I cry.

Tears of happiness and then tears of sadness.

Tears of happiness because I got to hold him

I got to kiss him and sing songs in his ears. 

I got to be a part of his life.

Tears of sadness because 

I can't hold him right now.

I can't kiss him.

I can't read a book to him before bed.

I wonder how he is feeling.

I wonder what he is doing?

I wonder if he is o.k. and taken care of!

I cry tears for the unknown.

      

I do know that my body and heart aches sometimes.

I can not control it, there will be something 

that triggers a memory, then I will either laugh or cry.

 

I know that all I can do now

 is 

wait and wait and wait.

All this time gives me time to think.

Thinking of many things.

Some things are memories.

Some things are dreams.

The memories are the anchors of my soul.

I remember the cute things he did.

I remember how it felt to see him for the first. 

My dreams are the love that focuses me!

I dream of all the time when he calls me momma.

I dream of the first time we take him to the zoo.

I dream of the first time he will wake up in his own room.  

I do know that it does not matter what 

the calendar 

or

the clock

says

My heart has always loved him 

and it always will.

Even for a thousand years!  

 

        

 

WHAT WILL I DO?

 

 

Wait, Wait, Wait

 

 

While waiting for our day in court,

what will I do?

What will I do with the hours of the day?

What will I do with the roller coaster ride of emotions?

What will I do?

While I am trying to live each day as it comes,

What will I do?

There are a great many options?

I have had my fair share of rides BUT this one has been a 

Very long, bumpy, frustrating and exhausting ride.

You know how some rides you ride once and are done.

There are other rides that you love to ride even with all the adrenaline.

Those rides that are scary are sometimes the ones people remember.

WELL this ride has been that, full of

 scary, nerve racking ups and downs

that would make the average stomach flip!

Even though I can not ride rides any more without the 

nausea  feeling and my head spinning,

I have been on this ride for a while.

Sometimes I have enjoyed it and actually learned a great deal.

Sometimes I am just sick of it all and want to get off!

However, one thing I do know about this ride is:

It has made me and my family better people.

We are just better by loving a sweet innocent little boy.

We are better by just enjoying the time we had together.

I am better by learning the wonderful lesson of hope 

that was displayed by the spark in my boy's eye.

I do agree with and know in my own heart,

 It is better to have loved and lost

 then to never have  loved at all.

 

So what will I do while waiting to get my boy home?

I know that the majority of the time I will Stand.

I will not give up on that sweet baby.

He is in my heart and I in his!

I WILL STAND AND WAIT..

I will stand and wait

even though this is the hardest thing 

for me to do, 

I WILL STAND AND WAIT!